


Why? (2011)

by JennyB



Series: Lent 2011 [32]
Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Friendship, Lent Challenge 2011, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-09
Updated: 2011-04-09
Packaged: 2018-01-06 19:04:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1110440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JennyB/pseuds/JennyB
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hakkai seeks an answer to a question he's been pondering for four years.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why? (2011)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [svana_vrika](https://archiveofourown.org/users/svana_vrika/gifts).



> Written for Lent Challenge 2011. Prompt: Based on _If Everyone Cared_ by Nickelback.

Sanzo supposed it could be worse. He despised camping, especially since it usually meant being in very close quarters with the rest of the ikkou. But tonight, it was alright. It was warm, and the faint summer breeze muted the chirping of the crickets and katydids. He was tired after the day they'd had, but he wasn't yet ready for sleep. He'd had a lot on his mind all day and he was hoping that the evening's tranquility would help stop the thoughts that kept whirling around in his head. He glanced up at the sky, and his expression softened briefly. It had been clear that night, too.

He heard a soft sound at his elbow, and he shifted his gaze to the side in time to see Hakkai sitting down at his right on the fallen log - close enough to where Sanzo could initiate a conversation if he chose to, but with enough distance to give him his space if he wanted it. Sanzo slipped a cigarette between his lips, camouflaging his snort of amusement behind the strike of the flint. As he took a drag, he discreetly studied the other for a moment. He could see that Hakkai had a lot on his mind too, which didn't really surprise him. Sanzo turned his gaze back to the forest, and as he watched the fireflies winking slowly along the trail's edge, he wondered how long it would be before Hakkai broached the subject.

As far as Sanzo was concerned, it was a dead issue; it had happened in the past and he carried no regrets. But he knew Hakkai, and knew the brunet's tendency to analyse his past to the point of over-analysing it before he'd allow it to be put to rest. It had been a few years; Hakkai had likely drawn what conclusions he could, and now Sanzo was going to have to answer that inevitable question: _Why_? That was not a conversation he was looking forward to. Not because he was worried about justifying his past actions, but because how he answered would greatly affect his future. And while Sanzo could very easily dismiss his past, he didn't know if he was ready to meddle with the status quo, for better or for worse.

Hakkai started out subtly, and Sanzo had to smirk to himself as the brunet made small talk about the journey, and the weather, and the time they'd been on the road. Sanzo might have found it funny if he hadn't sensed the extreme anxiety coming from his right. Of course, he'd answered the casual remarks in his usual brusque manner, and they'd again lapsed into silence. A long time passed, and Sanzo was beginning to wonder if Hakkai had dozed off next to him when he heard the heavy sigh. He steeled himself; he knew what was coming.

"It's Cho Hakkai's birthday today," Hakkai said after another moment had passed.

Sanzo turned slightly to face him, and he arched a brow. "It's July," he replied. "Your birthday's in September."

Hakkai smiled. "Not my physical birthday. Today is the day I was given my new name."

"Oh." Sanzo reached for another cigarette and lit it. Of course he'd known that today was the anniversary of Hakkai's trial before the Sanbutsushin. As much as he hated to dwell on the past, he could still remember arguing in front of them, resplendent in white robes and gold crown. He remembered the reasons he'd had in choosing Hakkai's name for him. "You're going to bitch about what I picked four years after the fact?" he asked, being deliberately obtuse. "It's a little late for buyer's remorse, Hakkai."

This time, Hakkai did laugh, albeit softly. "No Sanzo. I like my name just fine. I was just thinking about how if it hadn't been for you, I probably wouldn't be here."

Sanzo exhaled a thin stream of smoke. "Are you angry with me for interfering?"

Hakkai looked down at his hands, which were folded in his lap, and he shook his head. "No. I'm glad that I'm alive. I've just always wondered why. Why you would speak for a man you barely knew."

Even though he'd been expecting it, Sanzo still inwardly flinched when the question was asked. He didn't _want_ to answer it, and as he finished his cigarette, he tried to think of a reason Hakkai would find satisfactory. "You're not a bad man, Hakkai. You just did some bad things." Sanzo could feel the weight of Hakkai's eyes on him, studying him.

"Oh. I see. Well, thank you."

Sanzo didn't have to look to know a small, disappointed smile graced the pretty features. "What?" he demanded.

Hakkai shifted uncomfortably. "I just thought that maybe - ah, but that's foolish, idyllic thinking. You wouldn't - I mean, to expect..." He trailed off with a sigh.

Sanzo rolled his eyes somewhat impatiently. "God, for an educated man, you sure are an idiot sometimes." Before he could change his mind, Sanzo leaned over and pressed a kiss to Hakkai's lips. It was soft and chaste, but he lingered for a few long moments. "Maybe a part of it was that I like you, and I was too selfish to lose you - to yourself, and _especially_ to them. But this is the one and only time I'm going to reassure you about it, so quit being stupid and let it go already. Got it?"

Hakkai smiled softly and nodded. "Got it."

After a few minutes, Hakkai uncurled himself enough to reach over and cover Sanzo's hand with his own. Sanzo looked down at his hand, and though he still wore a slight scowl, he didn't pull away. After a while, he even turned his hand over to give Hakkai's fingers a small squeeze. His expression smoothed when he felt Hakkai squeeze back.

Sanzo still wasn't entirely comfortable with everything, but with Hakkai maybe his - no, _their_ \- future wouldn't be as bleak as he'd imagined.


End file.
